Final Fantasy VII/Wall Market

Spiky hair sticking from that flower bed there

Cloud crash-lands and goes blank. Obviously, this leads to more confused dreams that probably make absolutely no sense to people who play the game for the first time - but they all will be revealed later.

As he comes to, we find ourselves in the church. The flower girl from slums, Aeris by her name, is here tending her flowers. Discuss with her about things. Someone who calls himself not very important appears.

And a moment or two later, you note that the person is actually very important. This is Reno, one of the Turks, who has come to grab Aeris with a couple of Shin-Ra soldiers. So, Cloud and Aeris attempt to escape.

The climb to the top isn't easy. Aeris is down, and gets attacked by Shin-Ra soldiers. When she gets attacked, you either have option to have her wait or let her fight or run. If you let her wait, you can push one of the barrels down from above. If you push the wrong one, you have to fight anyway. The fights aren't too hard, only bad thing is that Aeris doesn't have much melee fighting power and she has no Materia. If you give her some, she'll start kicking butt as she is the strongest magic caster in the whole game. Even without Materia, the soldiers aren't too difficult to defeat.

To escape the fights, push the barrels in the following order***:

1. The one way off to the left.
2. The center one in back.
3. The one off to the right.

• KEEP IN MIND THAT IF YOU PUSH THE WRONG BARREL EVERY TIME YOU MAY END UP DATING TIFA,YUFFIE, OR BARRET. SPOILERS: (heh seems funny right? he asks you if you want to have a "walk" with him, then he sleeps on the gondola)

The only waterfall in the polluted city

After this, you escape across the rooftops, Cloud volunteering to be Aeris's bodyguard. When you get back to ground, head left (there's a save point near here too) and up. Talk to the folks in the slums. There's a weird person with a weird tattoo in the pipe. (You guessed it. Foreshadowing.) There's a Materia and weapons store where you can get Titan Bangles which may help things a little bit. Many people seem to miss where to go next - Just head left from this place to get to Aeris's house.

If you go inside Aeris's house garden there is an Elixir and a Cover materia. Head in. It's a good idea to stay overnight—except that Elmyra wants Cloud to leave before Aeris notices a thing. In the room prepared for Cloud, there's a Potion and a Phoenix Down. Sneak down (don't run, Aeris will hear you and sends you back to the room) and out. Head through the slum and now to left from the intersection.

Oops. Aeris is here after all. She wants to tag along. Head through the maze in the next room (you'll probably run into one of the craziest enemies of the game here, the Hell House), and you'll arrive to the Sector 7 gate. Aerith stops by the playground.

And just as you start to chill down, a chocobo cart comes from Sector 7, with a familiar barmaid, not looking at all like a barmaid, aboard... whatever has gone in Tifa's mind now? Time to follow her to Wall Market.

Wall Market: Wretched hive of pervs and villainy

Welcome to the greatest and the weirdest shopping district in the Midgar slums! As you walk around and ask people things, you'll soon find out that Tifa has become a candidate for inclusion to the Honeybee Manor, and new inductees have to be personally checked by someone called Don Corneo. Corneo's manor is fairly easy to find, it's on the northern side. The problem is, the guy on the door will only let women in, Aerith is the only woman around, and Cloud just cannot let a frail maiden like Aerith, despite her helpfulness and willingness to take risks, be sinfully savaged by these villains. But luckily, Aerith's resourcefulness knows no bounds, and she has a wonderful idea which she tells Cloud right away.

Your next objective is to get Cloud dressed up like a girl. Technically, this is very simple, and you practically cannot lose this thing, and you can do this very very simply. If you want to put more effort into this, read the whole section first. If you are afraid to see Cloud in a dress for too long, just do the simple things.

Firstly, you need a dress. If you talk to the cloth store clerk, she says that her father does the cloth designing, he's lounging in the bar without any inspiration whatsoever. Talk to him and convince him to make a dress for Cloud. A challenging task! He then tells you to scurry off.

After you return, Cloud's hairstyle stands out too much, so you need a wig. You'll get this by going to the gym and entering the squatting competition (it doesn't matter if you win or lose). After you have the wig, return to the cloth store and scurry away to the Manor Corneo.

If you've got to go, go with the style

If you want, you can do the following optional things. Not that I want to spoil anything, but very soon, Don Corneo's going to pick a bride for himself; the more of these items you collect, the queerer the whole thing goes. But here's a list of stuff that you can collect, anyway:

The best possible dress is one that "feels soft" and that "shimmers". In other words, a silk dress. The other options are "feels clean" and "shiny". There is a cotton dress to be obtained, or a satin dress.

1. Soft + Shiny = Satin Dress
2. Soft + Shimmers = Silk Dress
3. Clean + Shiny or Shimmers = Cotton Dress

In the bar, there's a woman in the bathroom who's having severe digestion problems. Go to the restaurant, get any of themeals, it doesn't matter which one, and you'll get a pharmacy coupon. Head to the pharmacy, exchange the ticket for a digestive medicine. Head to the bar, and the woman will give you sexy cologne. There is also disinfectant or deodorant to receive from the coupon. The disinfectant will get you the cologne and the deodorant will get you the flower cologne.

Talk to the indecisive man pacing on the lowermost Wall Market. At one point, he'll can't make up his mind and will give his membership card to you. But don't go in the Honeybee Manor yet...

Go up the rightmost path on the lower screen, past the man with the big cooking pot. The man in the store wants to know what's in the inn's vending machine, but can't check it out himself because he's been banned. Pay for the night. Get the 200 Gil item from the vending machine. Head back to the shop and the man will give you a diamond tiara. Returning the 50 Gil item to the materia shop man will get you the glass tiara and the 100 Gil item will get you the ruby tiara.

The best possible wig is the blonde wig, which you'll get by winning the squatting competition with the Big Bro. The second best possible wig is the dyed wig which you get if you tie with Big Bro. Losing to Big Bro will get you just a regular, old wig.

Before you go to get changed for good, head to the Honeybee Manor. Poke your nose around. First of all, here, you get more of the man-to-man action, or perhaps see even more freakish Cloud mind-bending. If you take peeks in the occupied rooms (note that you can look around with the d-pad), you'll also see President Shin-Ra engaging in some Epic Foreshadowing, and also get to see the first glimpse of Cait Sith. Most importantly, by poking around here, you'll get lingerie (if you enter the top left room), or the bikini briefs (if you enter the bottom left room), and also, before you leave, you get the makeup from one of the girls. (Obviously, this isn't showing up as a Key Item in inventory.)

Corneo's Little Cave of Horrors

In Corneo's room, head upstairs and through the open door. Here you meet Tifa again, who explains what's going on. After some discussion, Corneo's lackey comes and asks you to show up in his room.

Corneo will pick one of the three girls depending on what items Cloud had when he dressed up. If Corneo picks Tifa or Aeris, Cloud ends up in a room with some drooling men. He takes off the dress, and they attack you. There's a Phoenix Down in the room too. If Corneo picks Cloud (and you need the above items to do this), the whole thing is a little bit shorter.

• Tifa will be selected if you have just the basic items (dress, wig), or if you have the worst possible items that you can get (glass tiara, cologne, etc.)
• Aerith will be selected if you have the moderately good items (ruby tiara, dyed wig, flower cologne, etc.).
• Cloud will be selected if you have the best possible items (diamond tiara, blonde wig, sexy cologne, etc.).

Remember to steal the Phoenix Down in the Lackey's room if Cloud isn't selected***, and the Hyper behind Corneo's bed.

Either way, Cloud, Aeris and Tifa get to intimidate Corneo strongly, and learn of a terrifying plan to destroy Sector 7. And just as you're about to leave, he ends up buffing up his Evil Antagonist Skills and keeps talking. And, having once in his life gotten the trap set up correctly, sends the heroes down to the sewers with a flick of a switch.

A cutscene follows... and our heroes, as noted, are in the sewers.

• • • if you want to date Aeris, choose "Lets Get Aeris" if Cloud isn't selected by Corneo while talking to Tifa.